Occurrence
by Messino12
Summary: It had happened.
1. Author's Note

Hi all,

I truly am still floored and so grateful to all of you who read Knowing & left me reviews and PM's. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It really meant a lot and I am so glad you all loved the story. As I said before, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it and found great pleasure in reading all of your responses.

Well, I'm here to tell you that I've done what I said I wouldn't do. Another story! It's a oneshot and is not a prequel nor a sequel to Knowing like you might assume. I don't do whole novels well; just little tidbits here and there and that's what's best for me. So, no, I'm sorry to say there will not be more added to this story nor Knowing. I wrote this one this morning in about 2 hours once again and it was especially difficult, but a great release for me personally.

Again, I've got a few things I need you to be aware of: First and foremost, I do not, in any way, support or agree with the decisions set in motion in this story. (Hard to believe, right?, since I wrote it.) That might sound confusing now, but when you read it, I hope you will understand. I do NOT support it, but yet I still wrote it, but there's a reason. It is the only way I envisioned that split second at the end of Episode 6 (The Trail), and it explained so much to me. Amazing how that happened. I will tell you that this story is happening in the one minute at the end of Episode 6, but it's also happening in hindsight too. I'll explain more if you need it. If it's been a while since you've seen it, I encourage you to watch just that clip of the episode after you read this. I did & I cried because I felt the angst from their faces translate so well into what I had envisioned!

This story line has been stuck in my head since then, so I decided to act on it. I am not trying to offend anyone and hope I do not do so but I have to let you know, the angst the characters feel, I felt as I wrote it! A difficult work to say the least! Which is why I had to make it objective. No direction mention, no names, no specifics. I tried to say it without saying it because I think the moment called for it and the moment is harder than even this story made it seem. The moment is impossible and I had to make it objective or it would have been a waste of words.

I found it difficult to write the back and forth emotions that I felt so strongly but I tried to do so as accurately as I could. I tried to make the decision an obvious one without saying it explicitly, but still the most insane and difficult and heart-wrenching moment either had experienced thus far in their relationship. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE and I tried to make it seem that way.

If you're reading this, you know the characters and once again, you know how they feel and what's at stake and where they're standing. I will clarify anything you might be confused about (because that might be inevitable with this story) if you need me to. Just PM me & I'll let you in on what I was thinking and what everything means!

My writing might seem confusing to some, but if you read Knowing, you probably have a good grip on how I operate. It might get confusing towards the end but just be aware that there is a shift.

Again, everything that happened in Season 1 is to be understood and taken as fact and I have not subtracted any emotions or happenings or sequences. I do not own the story of Scandal or its subsequent characters, as we all know, Shonda Rhimes does.

Please review and let me know how it hits you. One of the reasons this was difficult to write is because I felt a lot of pressure to make it great based on the feedback I got from all of you on Knowing. Unfortunately, I am not sure it is great so reviews & feedback are coveted and appreciated. I really am so thankful you're taking the time to read! Thank you!


	2. Occurrence

He could tell by the way her eyes were glassy that she was ready and he watched her take the staircase like she always did and he couldn't focus on anything else. He excused himself from the room at the end of the West Wing with a few curt words and followed her footsteps up and down the hallway but she was already gone.

He didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he was in and the door shut behind him and he saw that she was standing there with her back to him and that she wasn't moving and assumed she'd been doing the same.

"Well, what did it-"

"Positive."

There was silence for a moment as he unloaded the bricks that had just fallen on him, collapsing his chest cavity and threatening to kill him.

"Positive?"

"Positive."

Her voice was unwavering and she was floored by the fact that she'd managed to keep her cool because her breaths were coming in quick, short bursts and she put her hand to her chest to her forehead to her neck to her ear and back to her chest and felt her heart hammer against her hand and she held her breath again. She knew he was watching her and keeping his distance and she knew the next minutes we're crucial if they were to both survive this.

Her body was screaming for a respite from the instability of mind she was experiencing and she kept opening and closing her mouth in an attempt to keep herself in balance; if she held her breath too long she knew she'd forget to remind herself to breathe but she was already passed that point. Her eyes darted to different spots on the wall and she could hear her own voice in her head but the connection from mind to mouth had disintegrated and it was all she could do to stand on her own two feet.

He could hear her uneven breathing and found it incongruous that he hadn't said anything to give himself away. Her shoulders were heaving and his hands balled into fists as he took a step closer and he wanted to be angry when she interrupted his advance with her words, halting him from moving forward.

"Don't say anything."

There was ice in her words and he gritted his teeth but respected her pronouncement for only a moment before he was moving closer and speaking his mind.

"We-"

"Don't say anything."

It suddenly hit him and his mind was spinning and he turned away from her to gather his thoughts because he didn't know where he had been going with the words he'd been about to say. Things were jumbled together and he tried to remember the date he'd seen on the calendar that morning to make sure at least the logical side of his brain was working.

"Don't say anything. If you say something, we might get it wrong and we can't get this wrong. Don't say anything."

He knew she was telling herself as much as him because there were eggshells underneath their feet and one wrong step and even the right one he realized, sent things into a cacophony of tumbling emotions and catastrophic happenstances and he realized he needed her.

She was facing him now and watched as he turned around to face her and gasped for air as she realized what was happening to them. What had happened to her because of him and she couldn't breathe because of what was happening inside of her. He moved closer to her and she shook her head and put her hands out to block him from touching her and her shoulders heaved as he stopped in his tracks.

Things needed to slow down before she said another word and she closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip in an effort to make things simple but it was all for naught. When had they lost control?

She stood there, him watching her and her watching him and she didn't know who should make the first move. She entertained the thought of what could be because of all this but she found herself cringing at the possibility of no semblance of the normalcy that she craved. It couldn't, _didn't_ work like that and her body ached for him to tell her he could make it disappear, but the moment never came and she shook her head to herself because she couldn't believe how hopeful and hopeless she'd been.

Hysteria began to set in and she wrung her hands alternately and she wanted to shriek but she couldn't because words failed her. She paced back and forth in front of him and she knew he was trying to help her but he couldn't because there was nothing he could do. She was going to war against her better judgment and the frenzy and derangement and distress she felt put her at risk of losing her mind. Everything was loud and her eye was twitching and the ringing in her ears wouldn't stop. She felt as if she could never escape and held her breath once more.

Her watched her fight against herself privately and he knew in a few moments it would seem as if it had never happened and sure enough as he stood there, her head whipped suddenly to look at him and she was composed and ready for what lay ahead.

She smoothed back her hair from her face and straightened her suit jacket at its hem and took a deep breath to rid herself of the shutter that wanted to overtake her. She glanced down and back up at him and suddenly her resolve had given way and the ground she had just treaded became mud under her feet and things were getting messy. She looked at him in shock and horror and covered her mouth with her hands again and couldn't believe what had possessed her to go there in her mind so quickly. Tears of anger and confusion threatened to spill onto her cheeks but she blinked them back and sent her mind into a tizzy and the floor beneath her shifted and she felt sure she would fall between the slats of the hardwood floor.

Her world and commitment and resolution and strength was shattering before her and she didn't know who she was or who he was but she knew that this wasn't them. That she'd been thinking irrationally and she began to contemplate alternatives but before she knew it she was talking herself out of all of it and she knew she'd been right initially.

She snapped out of her musing and told herself to fix it.

She had to be all business about this and so did he and it was hard because there were too many emotions and desires involved and she had to take the reigns and she wanted him to but he couldn't because he was him and she was her and they'd known better.

She had to be all business and he had to be all business but her heart was bursting in her chest and she was gasping for air again and he was closer now and right behind her and she knew what they had to do.

He knew he was experiencing the closest thing to failure when he realized she'd decided and he wanted to refute the statement she was making by the way she was raising her chin and straightening her shoulders, but he knew he couldn't because he knew it was best.

He grabbed her shoulders from behind and he felt her relax and then stiffen and he knew the walls were going up. Not to him but to this moment, and he vowed internally never to look at her the way he was looking at her now as she turned in his arms and looked at him through of foggy haze of determination.

"I can do it."

He wanted to strangle her right then and there for saying those words and he knew she wanted to do the same to him because he was the one who was forcing the words to come out of her mouth.

"I can do it."

She choked on the words she had spoken and something in her went wrong. Her stomach wrenched violently and she knew she was going to be sick. She felt him sense her shift and was thankful when he reached out to hold her hair back from her face as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the trash can in her hands.

He wasn't saying anything and she was glad as she unhunched her shoulders and covered her mouth with the back of her hand.

He was standing there with his hands on her face and she was watching him and she knew that he knew what they had to do and that he'd accepted it. That she'd take care of it and get it done and no one would ever know and that this was the right choice.

"I can do it."

She heard herself say it again and her lungs screamed for more oxygen but she couldn't seem to find the rhythm of "inhale, exhale."

She hadn't wanted this. She'd known it could never come to this and covered her face with her hands as she realized what they'd done. How this had happened and how they'd been so reckless and how selfish it had been for both of them and she felt herself stumble a few steps to her right because the pain in her head was so strong she couldn't breath and it made her knees weak and her stomach cramp.

He reached out to touch her and she knew where his hand was headed and she backed away and shook her head but it was too late because he was there and he was crossing that line and she couldn't will herself to want him to stop.

It was hurting and neither one had to admit it. It was a consequence neither were ready for and she hoped and he hoped that the other one didn't blame themselves. They'd played an equal part in this and they'd been in this together and what was happening was the true form of them together and together couldn't happen. Not on their terms, with their jobs, with his status and with her secrecy.

They were on this roller coaster of emotions and she was scared she wouldn't make it. And she was never scared.

His nose grazed hers and he wanted to kiss her but she was stiff as a board in his arms and he thought he might break her if he got too close. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it just as quickly and before he knew it, he was kissing her and she wasn't backing down.

She was trying to find healing in his lips and in his touch and she pulled him closer because he was solid and she needed that. She needed to know the decision was okay and he was telling her by not saying anything and holding her tight and then kissing below her ear and telling her things but she wasn't hearing it because she'd gone to the place of 'what if?' but she had to stop because she knew 'what if?' was crazy.

That it wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to her and it would ruin his term and destroy everything they'd worked for and it couldn't be that way.

He was asking too much of her and he knew she was silently cursing him for putting her here, making her, making them make this decision and he suddenly wanted to scream at her and tell her not to do it. But he knew that couldn't happen.

She broke away from his kiss and he watched her try to tell him she could do it once again but he beat her to the punch and said what she needed him to say and he realized he needed it too.

"We can do it."

"We can do it?"

She looked up at him, begging him to give her the strength she needed and she was surprised at how lost she felt and saw in his eyes that the blind was leading the blind, but knew if they were the blind, they were the best at it.

"We can do it."

He brushed the tears that had fallen onto her cheeks and didn't know if they had been her own or his as she reached to her face and moved his hand away, feigning contentment and unbotheredness. They were taking care of each other and it was ironic and desperate and necessary if they were going to go through with it.

And they were going to go through with it.

He kissed her, sweetly and fiercely and with as much soothing as he could find and she was melting into him, biting his lip and clinging to him in ways she never had before and he realized she was being vulnerable with him as she started to whisper.

"Fitz-"

"I know."

He knew she was trying to tell him and she knew he was trying to tell her and the words they exchanged told them everything they needed to know. That he was sorry and that he'd help her and that he'd never say anything. That she was willing and that she'd protect him and that she'd eventually recover if the agony ever ceased and the trauma ever disappeared but they both knew that would never been the case.

He kissed her soundly again and when she broke away he missed her instantly. They stood there closely, her looking to the ground and him looking to her and it was time. She settled her shoulders and wiped her face tear-free and smoothed her hands over her lips and closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

He watched the torment vanish from her face and the ache in his chest set up camp and he knew they'd never be the same. She took a step back and started to speak but her feet led her forward and she passed him, headed for the door and then she was gone and he was left standing there watching her close the door, and he dropped his eyes to the floor and down at his feet and he knew it was done.

All the memories of that day and the stolen glances after came flooding back to her as he'd pushed his hand across her stomach and she was surprised at how poignant and vivid and fresh those moments could be in just one minute of being in his arms.

Her couch seemed hard as stone as they sat there, their senses heightened and overcome with intensity. Their breathing seemed louder, their clothing rougher between their fingers, the colors in the room more dull and yet more vibrant, and the air smelled of loss and heartache.

It was the first time either of them had dealt with the memory together since that day and he wanted to take it all back because it hadn't been worth it. The decision and the physical pain and the emptiness she felt and the guilt he felt and her leaving hadn't been worth it and the way she subtly clung to him now told him that she felt the same way. But they couldn't change the past and when she withdrew from his reach, he felt her close the door on the moment just as quickly as he'd opened it.

Her formality in the moments after didn't take him by surprise and he started to regret what he'd done.

But she'd needed that moment just as he'd needed that moment and he knew they'd never speak of it again. He knew and she knew, and before they knew it, things were back the way they had been when he'd showed up there unexpectedly and they'd watched the sun rise and the memory of that moment was buried right back where they'd found it.


End file.
